Stupid Things That Stupid People Believe
Crystal Healing
Crystal healers: idiots too dumb to understand modern medicine and falling back on mysticism, or scam artists co-opting ancient Eastern philosophy to sell sparkly things to said idiots? You decide, in part 2.
Introduction
Crystal Healing is technically a school of Crystal Magic, but one so large and well-known that it deserves its own section separate from the other forms of rock wizardry.
Nonetheless, there isn't a lot of information online about Crystal Healing, so that, combined with some poor scheduling on my part, means that this is going to be a short one.
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| Seriously though, this is a thing |
Nonetheless, there isn't a lot of information online about Crystal Healing, so that, combined with some poor scheduling on my part, means that this is going to be a short one.
How Does This Work?
The basic method for Crystal Healing is to simply place a crystal on the patient's chakra's, which, according to Hindu and Buddhist traditions, are centres of life force, corresponding to nerve clusters, vital organs, major arteries, glands, etc. Each chakra apparently corresponds to a colour of crystal- not a particular mineral or kind of crystal, but the colour is some how intrinsically linked to mystical pools of life energy inside the human body. Since chakra's are an actual tenet of real, legitimate religions followed by sane, normal people in the real world, I'm not going to comment on the basic concept, I don't believe they're real, and as far as I'm aware they've been conclusively disproven by science, but I'm not going to say that they're stupid. Chakra's are apparently related to various emotional, mental and physical processes in the human body.
As we know, crystals are able to store, redirect and channel mystical energy, and so, by placing the crystals of the chakra's, you can alter the flow of energy through a sick person's body. This is apparently the only way that somebody can actually get better- I quote Heather Penrock, the owner of the Hoistic Veterinary Centre in Shropshire:
Despite all this, it seems you don't need to select crystals based on absolutely anything other than their colour, because in healing that is literally all that is necessary, but only a single specific mineral is suitable for tracking ley lines. I don't get it either. Needless to say, it's necessary to cleanse and charge crystals prior to use, since using tainted crystals could cause actual harm due to their close proximity to the imaginary magic spots on your body through which mystical life force runs.
Like real medicine, it seems that Crystal Healing only requires an actual "trained" practitioner for emergencies or serious conditions, because over the counter and First Aid crystal therapies exist, mostly by holding on to the crystal or placing it on the necessary part of your body. Conditions that it is apparently possible to self-medicate with crystals include migraines, lethargy and sexual dysfunction. There are guides on the internet telling you exactly what to do and which crystal to use in every situation, but for sexual dysfunction it only tells us what crystal to use (fluroite), leaving exactly what we're supposed to do with it to my horrified imagination.
Also, while I may have put "trained" in quotation marks, it's a fairly accurate description. You can actually qualify as a therapist through the British Academy of Crystal Healing, which I was amazed to learn is a real thing. They offer a one-year course, ending in a diploma accredited by the Federation of Holistic Therapists, also a real thing, demonstrating once and for all that there are some professional organisations that should not be allowed to accredit degrees. There's even a post graduate course. Come to think of it, it's only one weekend a month, and pretty cheap compared to actual degrees at less that £1600. I might actually get one although I'm pretty sure you can't get student loans for it- like, when I'm 40 or so, and I'm earning enough money and I've got all my various debt repayments at a manageable enough level to afford throwing away that kind of money, I might do it, just so I can put "Qualified and Accredited Crystal Therapist" on my CV, just for the hell of it.
One last thing- there are Crystal Veterinarians as well too.
As we know, crystals are able to store, redirect and channel mystical energy, and so, by placing the crystals of the chakra's, you can alter the flow of energy through a sick person's body. This is apparently the only way that somebody can actually get better- I quote Heather Penrock, the owner of the Hoistic Veterinary Centre in Shropshire:
"The physical manifestations of ill health, the observable symptoms, are often the result the result of disturbance in our subtle energies, in the emotional, mental or spiritual dimension. While these symptoms may be suppressed, or appear resolved by conventional medicine, they will often recur in the same place or somewhere else until the underlying cause is dealt with".
Seriously, what Universe is this woman from?
It seems that the resonant frequency of crystals is not related to it's structure, or the elements in it's composition but it's colour (again, where did they get this idea?), and, by vibrating on a chakra, they can heal people by opening "blocked or stagnant" chakras, or by vibrating near the chakra and causing a chakra vibrating at the wrong frequency to return to normal or by fixing "gaps" and "holes" in the patient's individual energy field, because you can have those apparently. If there was a total absence of life energy in a part of someone's body, wouldn't the tissue in that area simply die?
Despite all this, it seems you don't need to select crystals based on absolutely anything other than their colour, because in healing that is literally all that is necessary, but only a single specific mineral is suitable for tracking ley lines. I don't get it either. Needless to say, it's necessary to cleanse and charge crystals prior to use, since using tainted crystals could cause actual harm due to their close proximity to the imaginary magic spots on your body through which mystical life force runs.
Like real medicine, it seems that Crystal Healing only requires an actual "trained" practitioner for emergencies or serious conditions, because over the counter and First Aid crystal therapies exist, mostly by holding on to the crystal or placing it on the necessary part of your body. Conditions that it is apparently possible to self-medicate with crystals include migraines, lethargy and sexual dysfunction. There are guides on the internet telling you exactly what to do and which crystal to use in every situation, but for sexual dysfunction it only tells us what crystal to use (fluroite), leaving exactly what we're supposed to do with it to my horrified imagination.
Also, while I may have put "trained" in quotation marks, it's a fairly accurate description. You can actually qualify as a therapist through the British Academy of Crystal Healing, which I was amazed to learn is a real thing. They offer a one-year course, ending in a diploma accredited by the Federation of Holistic Therapists, also a real thing, demonstrating once and for all that there are some professional organisations that should not be allowed to accredit degrees. There's even a post graduate course. Come to think of it, it's only one weekend a month, and pretty cheap compared to actual degrees at less that £1600. I might actually get one although I'm pretty sure you can't get student loans for it- like, when I'm 40 or so, and I'm earning enough money and I've got all my various debt repayments at a manageable enough level to afford throwing away that kind of money, I might do it, just so I can put "Qualified and Accredited Crystal Therapist" on my CV, just for the hell of it.
One last thing- there are Crystal Veterinarians as well too.
Conclusion
This is dumb. Not only that, but the fact that they use elements from legitimate religions makes it slightly offensive.
Also, I checked my stats on blogger, and it turns out that the majority of my pageviews are spam from sites like vampirestats.com, which is a bit of a blow really.
Also, I checked my stats on blogger, and it turns out that the majority of my pageviews are spam from sites like vampirestats.com, which is a bit of a blow really.
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