Stupid Beliefs- Crystal Powers, Part 1

Stupid Things That Stupid People Believe

Crystal Magic

In part one of this two-part series, we examine crystals and the hidden truths behind them, do they have mystical properties? 

Of course not, don't be an idiot.

Introduction

If I remember my A-level Chemistry (and according to Wikipedia), crystalline solids are solid materials where the component particles, are arranged in an ordered, symmetrical, geometric lattice. The component particles can be atoms (e.g. diamond), ions (e.g. salt) or in some cases, molecules, since some crystalline solids are the solid state of a substance, e.g. ice is a crystalline solid and the solid state of water. Crystals can be held together by ionic forces of attraction, covalent or hydrogen bonds. 

In this context, however, crystals means minerals, which I'm much less familiar with, beyond knowing that the world is round, solid and rotates around the Sun, I'm not really familiar with Earth Sciences. Minerals are naturally occurring compounds that are crystalline solids at room temperature. 

So, with science out of the way, let's move on to Crystal Magic. We're all aware of crystal healing, I'm talking about using crystals for magical purpouses. Apropos of nothing, "Magic crystals" is also the name of a legal high that once induced a man to slash his wrists.

What Does This Entail?

Crystal Magic(k), according to a website called "Snazzdragon's Crystal Pages", is the use of crystals in ritual magic, which apparently ancient cultures used to great effect, but which modern humans have lost by placing themselves above and apart from the Earth with technology and science and medicine and culture, etc. Quite frankly I'm not complaining. Crystals apparently all have their own unique "energy and spirit", which can nourish and replenish the astral form of the user. 

Oooh, sparkly...

Crystals are used as magical energy sources, but can also be contaminated with "negative energy", through something as simple as being in a bad mood around it. It seems like crystals are extremely delicate machines that must be frequently "cleansed". Which appears to mostly involve putting them in water, as long as it's not carbonated, I don't know why, I guess Carbon Dioxide is full of negativity. The most common way to "cleanse" a stone is too run it under water or immerse it in water under the light of a full moon for an undetermined length of time; like all these paranormal websites it avoids any real concrete information or step by step instructions and talks in vague nothings to avoid being called out on their bullshit when it doesn't work. 

Should water fail, you must resort to one of the other elements- bury it, stick it in a tree or put it in the middle of a ring of candles. To be fair to Snazzdragon (real name Laura Lees), she does list all the crystals you absolutely must not do this with. There is also a mystic cleansing ritual that involves passing it through a bowl of water, a bowl of salt, incense smoke and a candle flame, each of which cleanses a different aspect of the negativity, because there's more than one kind it seems.

As for where the magic itself comes from, well, let's play a game- one of these is what they actually believe, the other two are lies, guess which one is the real explanation:

A. Crystals attract spirits from their world to our world, and crystal users can command them to carry out various tasks

B. Crystals are from a higher level of being, and so their presence warps reality in a manner that those sensitive to the fluctuations can learn to manage

C. Crystals are living batteries that are born and grow in the Earth, they can be charged with magical energy in a variety of ways

More sparkly still...

Anyway, crystals are apparently extremely versatile- each crystal has it's own magic properties, and there are several quite comprehensive lists on the Internet of these crystals and their powers. These powers are apparently related to which of the classical elements the crystal, you'd think for all of them it would be Earth, but no. Choosing six at pure random:

• Carnelian (Earth)- a shield against mystical or psychic attack
• Blue Lace Agate (Air)- stress and pain relief, migraine cure, and for some reason gives you super poetry powers
• Maracsite (Fire)- self confidence, yes, really
• Feldspar (Water)- second sight
• Iceland Spar (Air)- doubles the power of all spells
• Variscite (Earth)- tracking ley lines

I swear I did not make any of those up. These powers can apparently be accessed either through fairly simple rituals or just carrying them around. There's a lot more on those lists and most of them are a lot more abstract, and relate mostly to dreams and your mental or emotional state. you'll also notice that none of them allow you to do the obviously impossible, such as summon lightning or move objects telekinetically, just think and feel differently. Can you say Placebo Effect? If you feel bad and you think your magic rock is going to make you feel better, of course you're going to feel better once you do your dumbass rituals with your dumbass magic rock. They're not going to promise that you can restructure reality with a pebble when you obviously won't be able to.

Of course, in case you don't want to lug the rocks around, you can simply use them in liquid form for the same effects, in Gem Waters and Gem Elixirs. Effectively potions, these are water that has been "charged" with the "energy" of the stone, giving it the magical properties of the crystal. There's about three different kinds of stupid in that sentence alone. Gem Waters are produced by wishing over the rock really hard and then dropping it in some (safely non-carbonated) water. For Gem Elixirs the process is much the same, but must be done under moonlight, and with an equal volume of hard liquor added to the water, which explains so much.

Eeeh, not quite so sparkly

Besides their individual abilities, crystals can be used for more general purposes: such as opening the mystic third eye (beware the Elementals), promoting plant growth simply through their proximity and focussing meditation. You can also use it to focus and strengthen your magic spells. Along with the Placebo Effect, let's talk briefly about Magical  Thinking- the delusion one's own thoughts or actions have far-reaching consequences and effects in the world, when in fact they do not. Essentially, it is the mistaken belief that you can alter reality either through sheer force of will, or through the observance of certain rituals. Effects such as calling down the Archangel Michael to calm down your cat when she gets spooked by a crystal's powerful aura. I wish I was kidding.

Conclusion

Crystals are not magic, these people are idiots, I'm going to bed.

By the way, it was C.

Oh, sorry about the pictures by the way. I've decided to try getting the free pictures from publicdomainpictures.net, obscurity is my greatest protection, but just to be safe.