Stupid things That Stupid People Believe
Real Vampires
They walk among us. Creatures of the night. Feasting on our blood. They look like us, but they are not us. They are, a bunch of deluded goth idiots.
Introduction
Wow, I was not prepared for this. When I did the preliminary research for this two weeks ago, I found a single website written by a guy in New York, in which he claimed he was a vampire, laid out a detailed scientific explanation for vampirism, and accused his machete-fetishist ex-girlfriend of being a Slayer, you know- like in Buffy.
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| Yeah, you wish dude. |
I assumed this guy might be taking the piss, and I tried to get in touch with him to find out, but my email bounced back so I decided to take him at face value. Anyway, when I did some more research earlier this week, I found out just how far this goes. I knew there were people who liked to pretend to be vampires, but since I found out about them from South Park of all things, I assumed that was exaggerated for comedic effect. If anything they vastly understated the scale of what is going on. These people have clubs, online communities and their own dating site.
I could do a full-length post of just web addresses from these people. This goes beyond some goths drinking tomato juice. This goes beyond internet roleplaying. This is a full-on subculture that exists in the real world, or whatever world these people are inhabiting that happens to occupy the same space as the real world.
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| I don't know if this is freaky or sexy. Freaky |
Who are these people?
I'm sure that some, probably most, of these people are just playing pretend. I can't fault them for that, I've played MMO's until they lost my interest, and I've spent a lot of time inside my own head fantasising about being a supervillain, a fantasy hero and yes, a couple of times, a werewolf or a vampire. Not the sparkly kind though- the badass kind. But some of them really do believe, they genuinely think, that they are bloodsucking creatures of the night. Here is a link to an interview with one- as I watch it I am clasping my childhood teddy bear to my chest and whimpering in terror.
Okay, I need to calm down a bit, and there is no way this thing will be any sort of reasonable length unless I summarise. "Real Vampires" are exactly what you'd expect, mostly goth kids who sleep in the day and dress up like rejects from old Hammer Horror movies. Like any subculture they're divided up into several infighting groups that call each other "posers". According to Wikipedia, these groups are: Sanguinarians, Psychics, Living, Transcedental, Blood Donors and Blood Fetishists.
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Every step I take into this world introduces me to new levels of regret that I started this particular endeavour.
Other than that I'm finding it kind of hard to find common ground. Every website I find has a different take or belief system. Let's break it down into a series of talking points.
What kinds of vampire are there?
There are many different kinds of vampire, but the two main ones are what I'm going to call "Hardcore" and "Softcore"; what wikipedia calls "Sanguinarians" and "Psychic"s.
Hardcore vampires are probably closest to the modern pop culture view of a vampire- they drink blood- usually from a willing Donors (that is what they are actually called). They believe that consuming blood is necessary for their physical and spiritual wellbeing, and that drinking blood is the true definition of a vampire. Blood Donors are not "vampires", and are considered "human" within this insane society, they are in theory companions and friends (and yes, occasionally lovers), and are not to be abused either physically, emotionally or with the use of vampire mind powers- that way lies the Dark Side. There's a distinct element of sadomasochism to all this that I don't need to think about. There are apparently a great deal of substitutes avaliable if you can't find someone willing to let you cut them and lick their wounds- rare steak, animal blood, V8, ketchup and pennies. Fortunately it seems they only need a small amount of blood, only a few ounces a month will do.
Softcore vamps however say that it's only the life force in the blood that's important, and that "psychic" vampires can absorb that energy from someone's "aura". You know how in old cartoons like the nineties Spiderman series there would occasionally be a vampire or vampiric creature as an antagonist, but because of the broadcasting standards of the time they couldn't actually say "blood", "death" or "kill"? As far as I can tell that's what's going on here. Softcores absorb energy from the auras of, again, donors- it can be done secretly and without consent, which also violates the vampire code of ethics (of which there are several). This is a more benevolent form of feeding since it doesn't involve slicing someone up like a christmas turkey.
Those are the main ones, but other groups also exist:
Do they have special powers?
What Do They Believe?
They think they're vampires!Other than that I'm finding it kind of hard to find common ground. Every website I find has a different take or belief system. Let's break it down into a series of talking points.
What kinds of vampire are there?
There are many different kinds of vampire, but the two main ones are what I'm going to call "Hardcore" and "Softcore"; what wikipedia calls "Sanguinarians" and "Psychic"s.
Hardcore vampires are probably closest to the modern pop culture view of a vampire- they drink blood- usually from a willing Donors (that is what they are actually called). They believe that consuming blood is necessary for their physical and spiritual wellbeing, and that drinking blood is the true definition of a vampire. Blood Donors are not "vampires", and are considered "human" within this insane society, they are in theory companions and friends (and yes, occasionally lovers), and are not to be abused either physically, emotionally or with the use of vampire mind powers- that way lies the Dark Side. There's a distinct element of sadomasochism to all this that I don't need to think about. There are apparently a great deal of substitutes avaliable if you can't find someone willing to let you cut them and lick their wounds- rare steak, animal blood, V8, ketchup and pennies. Fortunately it seems they only need a small amount of blood, only a few ounces a month will do.
Softcore vamps however say that it's only the life force in the blood that's important, and that "psychic" vampires can absorb that energy from someone's "aura". You know how in old cartoons like the nineties Spiderman series there would occasionally be a vampire or vampiric creature as an antagonist, but because of the broadcasting standards of the time they couldn't actually say "blood", "death" or "kill"? As far as I can tell that's what's going on here. Softcores absorb energy from the auras of, again, donors- it can be done secretly and without consent, which also violates the vampire code of ethics (of which there are several). This is a more benevolent form of feeding since it doesn't involve slicing someone up like a christmas turkey.
Those are the main ones, but other groups also exist:
- Empathic vampires- fuelled by emotions, kind of like power rings
- Sexual vampires- sluts
- Soul vampires- they eat souls
- Elemental vampires- Twilight meets Avatar: The Last Airbender
- Dreamscape vampires- Inception vampires
- Magical vampires- wizards
- Living vampires- vampirism as a religion
- Transcedental vampires- body-hoppers, I think?
Hybrids between the main groups do exist, as indeed do dhampirs, but there seems to be a bit of rivalry between them. I've read three webpages about this which isn't great research but it's all I can take: one is written from a hardcore perspective- it claims that blood-drinkers are the only "real" vamps, and anyone who believes otherwise is "clearly mentally insane"; one is from a softcore perspective- according to it, all vampires are really psychics, and blood-drinkers are just choosing to consume the life energy in an inefficient way; and finally, one is from a neutral perspective that assumes all vampire types are real and equally valid. I feel like I'm watching a fandom squabble- two lunatic fringes arguing over something the majority either doesn't care about, is willing to ignore or happy to accept a compromise on.
Do they have special powers?
Why yes, yes they do: vampires have psychic powers- empathy, mild hypnosis, and the ability to sense auras. Some vampires can manipulate "energy", absorbing it from the radiant energy around them and channeling it as balls of force from their hands. They also have healing factors, astral projection and the ability to get a psychic "fix" on people and track them down using that psychic link. It is apparently possible to get a "fix" over the internet. They are naturally tougher, stronger and smarter than humans (especially as teenagers); have enhanced senses; perfect night vision; enhanced reflexes and endurance. That's basically an entire superhero team rolled into one person.
However, they cannot fly, shape-shift or live forever. That would just be silly.
Where do vampires come from?
First of all, it is apparently possible to be born a vampire to human parents, vampires usually "awaken" in puberty, developing vampire powers and traits as they become adults. Yes it is a lot like the X-men isn't it?
I've read a couple of theories about how it's supposed to work, and picking one at completely random: everyone has the latent gene required for vampirism, but a specific combination of chemicals at specific concentrations are required to activate the gene, causing people to "awaken" at random, and as one approaches the required combination, they become more and more vampiric. I'm not a biologist (at all) but I'm almost certain that's not even remotely possible. It is possible to turn people into vampires- all a human has to do is drink or be injected with vampire blood and they will be turned.
If I might be serious for a moment, I strongly urge that you do not inject yourself with someone else's blood, unless you are receiving a transfusion whilst in the care of a medical professional. There is the risk of infection from blood-borne diseases, and if the person you receive the blood from is not the same blood group as you, you could end up with a potentially fatal blood clot- do not do it.
What do vampires look like?
The vampire community seems to have created it's beliefs from a mixture of Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer and even a little Joss Whedon. Again, each website I visit has a slightly different take, with the work of one of these creators being a slightly stronger flavour in the creatively bankrupt paella these guys have cooked up.
The basic characteristics are: pale skin, glassy fingernails, eyes that are either more than one colour or change colour at random, random mood swings, a low tolerance for heat and light and brooding. All the classic stuff, you know.
However, they cannot fly, shape-shift or live forever. That would just be silly.
Where do vampires come from?
First of all, it is apparently possible to be born a vampire to human parents, vampires usually "awaken" in puberty, developing vampire powers and traits as they become adults. Yes it is a lot like the X-men isn't it?
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| There will be a review of this one day, of that you can be certain. |
I've read a couple of theories about how it's supposed to work, and picking one at completely random: everyone has the latent gene required for vampirism, but a specific combination of chemicals at specific concentrations are required to activate the gene, causing people to "awaken" at random, and as one approaches the required combination, they become more and more vampiric. I'm not a biologist (at all) but I'm almost certain that's not even remotely possible. It is possible to turn people into vampires- all a human has to do is drink or be injected with vampire blood and they will be turned.
If I might be serious for a moment, I strongly urge that you do not inject yourself with someone else's blood, unless you are receiving a transfusion whilst in the care of a medical professional. There is the risk of infection from blood-borne diseases, and if the person you receive the blood from is not the same blood group as you, you could end up with a potentially fatal blood clot- do not do it.
What do vampires look like?
The vampire community seems to have created it's beliefs from a mixture of Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer and even a little Joss Whedon. Again, each website I visit has a slightly different take, with the work of one of these creators being a slightly stronger flavour in the creatively bankrupt paella these guys have cooked up.
The basic characteristics are: pale skin, glassy fingernails, eyes that are either more than one colour or change colour at random, random mood swings, a low tolerance for heat and light and brooding. All the classic stuff, you know.
Conclusion
Vampires! Aren't! Real!
At least the last two groups were doubting things that they couldn't reasonably see with their own eyes: climatology is a pretty complex science and global warming isn't a perfect, constant increase in temperature- their are annual and global variations that are bound to make some people sceptical; and while we may laugh at the Flat Earth Society, it's not like any of them are ever going to space. These vampire guys are doubting their own goddamn species here! They think they have full-blown superpowers for crying out loud!
I should mention that several of the vampire websites I found have a list of psychological conditions, including psychotic depression and chronic fatigue syndrome that may mislead people to believe they are vampires, in a wonderful case of noticing the mote in your brothers' eye, whilst ignoring the beam in your own.
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