Double Bills

Blog Maintenance

I looked at my calendar a few weeks ago and realised that August was packed, and that I would have almost no time to write, and for various reasons would have no internet access for most of the month. With that in mind, I decided to do two double bill posts. On the 4th of August there will be a double bill of Stupid Beliefs, and on the 18th, there will be a double bill of Random Reviews.

Normal service resumes in September.

Random Reviews- The Punisher Kills The Marvel Universe

Random Reviews

The Punisher Kills The Marvel Universe

I hate this comic. I hate it so much I can't think of a witty little opening paragraph.

If I could, I'd gather every existing copy and the entire creative team in a building and bring it down on top of them.

Stuff From My Life- Candy vegetables

Stuff From My Life

Another strange dream. this one is divided up into sections. First I was on a high ropes course in my home town, but it lead into my bedroom. The course literally ended at my bed (which for some reason had a trampoline next to it). Anyway, I finished the course, and suddenly the Simpsons into was playing in my head- I don't mean I turned on a TV in the dream or anything, the dream just skipped to part two. The Simpsons intro was slightly different all the way, for instance, Ralph Wiggum and Lisa were in a little car, and Bart was waving around a giant Flump (a popular form of marshmallow here in the UK). When the episode began, a group of Springfield children were eating a taxi that was painted with pictures of fruit. Suddenly the whole thing transitioned again and I was standing outside the library in my home town, so I went to my parent's house, and discovered that my mother had developed a mutant strain of vegetables that taste like candy. Then I woke up.

Stupid Beliefs- Real Vampires

Stupid things That Stupid People Believe

Real Vampires

They walk among us. Creatures of the night. Feasting on our blood. They look like us, but they are not us. They are, a bunch of deluded goth idiots.

Random Reviews- Superman: Speeding Bullets

Random Reviews

Superman: Speeding Bullets

There are plenty of Elseworlds that examine how things could have turned out if someone else found Supermans' rocket- he could have become a Communist dictator, a medieval knight, or even a pawn of Darkseid. This is just one of them.

Stupid Beliefs- Climate Change

Stupid Things That Stupid People Believe

Climate Change Sceptics

Background

Global warming- everyone's heard about it, a lot of people are worried about it. Global warming is a result of the Greenhouse Effect: high-frequency solar radiation from the sun passes through the greenhouse gases in the atmosphere without being absorbed due to their short wavelengths, this solar radiation is absorbed by the Earth and re-emitted as low-frequency infra-red radiation, this radiation is absorbed by the greenhouse gases (Carbon Dioxide, Methane and Water vapour are the main ones) and re-emitted in all directions- some into space, and some back to Earth, thereby raising global temperatures. 

The Greenhouse Effect is a natural process, without it Earth would be a frozen wasteland unable to support life. However, the greenhouse gases produced by modern agriculture, industry, power generation, etc. pumps more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, raising the temperature. This increase in global temperatures disrupts weather patterns, and causes glacial ice to melt- raising sea levels and altering tides. It does not simply mean everywhere on Earth gets warmer by a uniform and constant amount, for instance, when the ice on Greenland melts, the cold water rushing into the sea will halt the Atlantic currents that warm Western Europe, meaning it will freeze over. According to The Inconvenient Truth anyway.

I condemn you to the Ice!

There is a scientific consensus that global warming is a fact, but there are still people who refuse to believe it. In the last post I called these people "denialists", but that was my mistake, they prefer the term "Sceptics", partially because "Sceptic" sounds like they're applying critical thinking to the issue, and partially because "Denialist" has... certain... connotations. We all know who I'm talking about.

There are actual scientists who are climate change sceptics, the consensus is about 97% of scientists worldwide, but there are still people who argue against it. In some ways that's actually a good thing, scientific progress relies on people who question the conventional wisdom and challenge what is accepted as fact through their own observations. Ever heard of phlogiston? Of course you haven't, because Lavoisier disproved it after centuries of phlogiston theory being a cornerstone of chemistry. However, in this case, with the survival of the human species at risk, maybe we should play it safe and assume, unless new evidence becomes available, that we are responsible, and that it is a problem.

What Are Their Arguments?

Climate change sceptics are a nebulous group, in fact, most groups that will be in this segment are like that, except the cults and I'm not opening that particular Pandora's Box for a good long while I can tell you. However, here are a few of the most common arguments I've been able to find on the internet.

Global warming isn't real

Yes it is. There’s really nothing I can add here, global temperatures and CO2 levels have been rocketing up since the mid-to-late 1800’s, which was shortly after the Industrial Revolution was complete and the West moved to the mechanised civilisation it is today. There’s really nothing I can add except, look at the charts

Weird, they look so alike you'd almost think they were connected or something

It's a natural process

This is technically true actually. An Ice Age isn’t simply a period where the world is covered in a lot of ice, Ice Ages are divided up into periods known as “glacials” and “interglacials”, where glaciers grow and retreat respectively, due to shifts in Earth’s orbit. We’re in the middle of an Ice Age right now, specifically an interglacial. During interglacial periods global temperatures rise and ice sheets retreat, and tests done on ice cores have proven that atmospheric CO2 does indeed rise prior during an interglacial period. However, tests on ice cores and recent measurements show that atmospheric CO2 and global temperatures are at their highest levels in history, and rising at a much faster rate than any of the previous interglacial periods, indicating that the current global warming is at least partially man-made. A good indication is the rapid decline of glaciers in the last 150 years- that may seem like a long to a human, but in geological terms it’s barely enough time to blink.

The measurements are flawed

There have been a lot of accusations, and some pretty serious evidence, that certain scientists have been twisting data to fit pre-determined conclusions, creating simulations that show dire consequences of global warming that bear little relation to reality, or have been exaggerating the effects of global warming. I haven’t seen the original data and I probably wouldn’t have the training to analyse it anyway so I can’t make an independent judgement. All I can say is, if that’s true, then it’s bad science but it’s also just isolated incidents, which don’t invalidate the scientific consensus of global warming- one flawed study does not disprove anything.

More studies are needed 

Funny story, people have been noticing rising global temperatures since 1896, Svante Arrhenius- a Nobel Prize winning Swedish chemist who discovered the formula that shows the relationship between the rate of a chemical reaction and temperature, also came up with the theory of the greenhouse effect, and was the first scientists to suggest that CO2 emissions may lead to global warming. Admittedly he thought it would be a good thing, since he was afraid that civilisation would fall if Earth entered another glacial period, but he still noticed it. Another scientist called G.S. Callendar also noticed it in 1938, but he vastly under-estimated its effects (2°C in 200 years) and also thought it would be good. Since then scientists have been becoming gradually more aware of global warming and its dangers- things really started kicking off in the late seventies. I should think we’ve done enough research to be reasonably sure by this point. (http://www.aip.org/history/climate/timeline.htm)

It's cold outside

Okay, to be fair, none of the actual scientists among climate change sceptics use this argument- it’s mostly consigned to idiots in the comments box of news websites, but it needs to be addressed. In the UK we’ve gotten used to the phrase “coldest since records began” over the last few years, which Daily Mail-reading morons have used as evidence that global warming is fake, between spouting racial slurs and denying that they are in fact racists. I said this in the introduction and I’ll say it again- global warming doesn’t just make things hotter- it raises global temperatures and thereby messes up weather patterns- of course Britain is freezing up every year, Europe is doomed to an icy grave.

PS. For the benefit of all Daily Mail readers- the EU referendum won’t save you, climate change laughs at your puny human politics.

Leftist Conspiracy!!!

Wow, I really didn’t know there were people who thought this. I’m a cynic but not this much of a cynic. Again, no actual scientists say this, just far-right crazy people and a member of the Australian Senate. Basically the idea is that global warming is an elaborate hoax concocted by “The Left”, that vast monolithic international organisation that wants to turn your children into gay stoners and bring about the End Times to serve the interests of the Zionist banking collective via witchcraft learned from JK Rowling. I’ve found explanations such as disguising the fact that increasingly erratic weather patterns are God’s punishment against homosexuality, a ploy to create green taxes and rob Regular Joes of their hard-earned money to pay for their social programs to give free homes to lazy scroungers, and to de-industrialise the world into their vegetarian atheist communist hippy dystopia.

I get that global warming is scary. I get that people don't want to believe it's real, or that it's not as bad as we think, or at the very least that it's not our fault. But if we hide our heads in the sand and refuse to face reality and deal with the problem then we, as a civilisation, if not a species, are doomed.

Conclusion

Do I even have to say it? Global warming exists, it's real and it's the greatest threat to human life and civilisation right now- North Korea be damned. Even if, for a moment, we assume that I and 97% of the global scientific community is wrong (it's happened before), we shouldn't ignore the evidence in front of us; even if global warming isn't causing it, the glaciers are melting, the seas are rising and the weather is fucked up. Even if this is a natural process it's still bad- natural processes lead to some of the biggest extinctions in history (natural processes and us, obviously), so we should probably get ready for the consequences. And if greenhouse gas emissions are responsible, maybe we should try to reduce them, just to be safe, and to reduce our reliance on dwindling fossil fuels.

Anyway, this was a heavy topic and not too fun to write about, so next time we'll move on to something more lighthearted- people who think they're vampires.

Random Reviews- JLA: The Island of Dr Moreau

Random Reviews

JLA: The Island of Dr Moreau

Background

I should probably start by explaining what this is and why it exists. For those of you who aren't comic fans or who aren't particularly familiar with DC comics, this is an Elseworlds story. Elseworlds comics are set in alternate universes to the "main" DC universe and feature famous characters in new and (supposedly) interesting ways. Some of these stories are set in universes similar to the original universe, while others are wildly different; only one Elseworlds story ever tried to recreate the old "Imaginary Story" formula of setting it in the mainstream universe and then taking events in a whole new direction from that point, and that was JLA: Act of God, one of the most notoriously bad Elseworlds in comic history.

Elseworlds are extremely hit and miss. There are good stories; Superman: Red Son, JLA: The Nail, Batman: Darkest Knight, etc. But there are also a lot of bad ones; some of the most infamous are Kamandi: At Earth's End and the aforementioned Act Of God. Some are almost agressively average, and some are just plain weird. The problem, in my opinion, is that Elseworlds are almost impossible to judge on their own merits, they demand comparison to mainstream stories; Elseworlds are designed to be a fresh new take on the mythology, but if you go too far in that, you basically end up with an original story with a couple of names and concepts tagged on that just seem out of place.

Others go one step further by simply placing the characters in famous stories such as Frankenstein (Batman: Castle of the Bat), usually following the original plot until around halfway through and then completely changing direction about hallway through. JLA: The Island of Doctor Moreau is one of those.

Plot

I'm going to admit right now that I've not read The Island of Doctor Moreau or seen either of the movie adaptations. I saw the Simpsons parody on one of their Halloween episodes, but that doesn't really count.

Heh. Disco Shew.

Anyway, I read the Wikipedia summary for the novel, and, to cut it down a lot: narrator washes up on an island owned by a crazy scientist called Moreau, Moreau has been using the power of technobabble to surgically alter animals into humanoids that worship him and that he has been trying to make act human, they regress and kill Moreau, the narrator escapes on a boat and lives in solitude for the rest of his life. It really isn't a premise that lends itself to superheroics, but it could be a good start for a halfway decent tounge in cheek parody. Which this is not.

Anyway, like I said, the first part of the comic follows the book pretty well, but with a couple of changes; the narrator is now Lucas "Snapper" Carr, a recurring background character who I've only seen  in the Justice League: Year One miniseries, Moreau's assistant is now Professor Ivo, a mad scientist and recurring villain, and Moreau's animal-men are rough equivalents of the Justice League. We have Deanna- an albino gorilla Wonder Woman, Jubatus- a cheetah version of the Flash, and, um...

I'm gonna level with you, I have no idea who the rest of these guys are meant to be. There's a dolphin man called Delphinus, who I guess is probably Aquaman; a scaly guy called Komodo, who might be Killer Croc but could be Martian Manhunter for all I know; and Bernardus- a dogman with electric eels growing out of his arm. Black Lightning? Cyborg? Just who the hell is this guy? This is a classic case of an Elseworlds going too far- at least one of these guys could probably be considered an Original Character.

Also, Snapper is an idiot. I get that superpowered animal people are a little outside the average person's frame of reference, but if your only comment on a clearly inhuman  and furry  cheetah man is that he has "weirdly mottled skin" I have to wonder exactly what kind of university your biology degree came from (yeah, he has a biology degree). Then again, maybe he just has vision problems, since he's apparently unable to tell whether or not those really are eels growing out of the dog-man's arm.

Anyway, Snapper exposits that Moreau fled the law and England when he was caught performing illegal surgical experiments on animals. He goes to Moreau's lab to find him and Ivo operating on a porcupine-bear thing called "Black Arrow", who I suppose is meant to be Oliver Queen, but I'm going by the name alone, and "Dirus Falconus", he's a roughly humanoid hawk/wolf hybrid, a "Hawk-man" if you will. It's actually a pretty atmospheric scene, and looking at the writers biography he's a very talented and experienced writer who was Editor-in-Chief at Marvel for a while, and some parts of this story are genuinely well done. He just clearly didn't bring his A-game for this one.

Moreau rambles for a few pages to demonstrate that (just in case the audience are as dumb as Snapper) hey, this guy might be evil, and, though I'm probably overanalysing here- more than a little crazy. We also learn that Moreau has formed a cult around himself consisting of a series of commandments that forbid such animal-like behaviour as eating meat, which is kinda weird since A- humans eat meat, and B- only one of these creatures is a herbivore.

Yes, that's scientifically plausible.

Also, Moreau looks like Santa Claus

Anyway, since Snapper's arrived he's decided to take his JLA or "Justifiers of Law to the Anointed". As a side note, Ivo refers to them as "Just a Lot of Animals". As a side note, the Just'a Lotta Animals were a group of animal parody versions of the JLA, who existed on an alternate Earth prior to Crisis On Inifinite Earths and appeared in a comic entitled "Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew", that Roy Thomas, the writer of this story, contributed to. I know things that I have no business knowing.

Green Lambkin, The Crash, Wonder Wabbit, Captain Carrot, Aquaduck, Batmouse and Super-Squirrel

No punchline or anything, there's literally nothing I can add here

Anyway, since we've reached the point in the adaptation where we abandon the plot of the original, they return to England, and Moreau decides to prove his creations' worth by setting them on Jack the Ripper. I should mention that throughout the story Snapper becomes increasingly concerned that the JLA are regressing back to beasts.

The JLA search Whitehall to no avail but eventually they corner him after he claims another victim and find him in a makeshift "House Of Pain" where he's been using prostitutes as test subjects to reverse Moreau's experiments- transforming people into animals. Why? Because he's Moreau's first test subject, an Orang-utan-man. Okay...

This is an orang-utan with a moustache and a bowler hat.

We're meant to take him seriously as credible threat and ruthless killer.

This is not a parody. 

So anyway, he pulls the usual "join me" villain speech, but instead Wonder Gorilla bashes his head out against the wall. The JLA decide "screw Moreau's crazy laws" and eat his corpse, and at this point I'm wondering if all this could have been avoided if Moreau simply used slightly less aggressive animals as his test subjects. I don't see a sheep-man becoming a raging monster, is all I'm saying.

This comic predates Infinite Crisis by three years if you're interested

Anyway, Moreau declares success despite either not having a body to show the police and the press, or having a body that's been picked clean. Again I question the logic of the characters in this story; if my private army of mutant super-carnivores who I'd forbidden to eat meat and who are in constant danger of regressing to savagery dropped a carcass in my lap, I'd be slightly worried. Also, if he had seen the body, wouldn't he recognise the fact that it's clearly not a human being? I think a scientific genius could recognise the pretty clear differences between an orang-utan and a person.

Anyway, Snapper leaves but has a premonition that something bad is going to happen, so he comes back just as Moreau is trying to force the JLA to go through another set of operations to splice some ape in there, thereby transforming them into Gods. There's a fine line between genius and madness and Moreau is using it as a skipping rope. They refuse, so Moreau threatens them with a gun and shoots Delphinus, half the animals turn on him while the others side with him inexplicably.

Literally two pages ago, you were openly defying him, you ate the orang-utan along with everyone else. WTH is going on?

They get into a fight, Ivo and Moreau are killed and the JLA along with them. Snapper torches the place and leaves. The End!

Conclusion

I did not go into this with high hopes, but this did manage to exceed my expectations slightly. There's no real criteria an Elseworlds needs to fill to be good, but this just doesn't work for me. I can't describe it other than saying that it just doesn't feel right- it's too far into the source material with not enough elements of the DCU, so it's not a good Elseworlds. That isn't to say you can't have a good Elseworlds story that takes place in a wildly different universe; Roy Thomas himself wrote two others- Superman's Metropolis and Superman: War of the Worlds, both of which I really like, but they still have deep connections to the DCU and still feel like Superman stories. I swear if you changed some names and costumes and told me this was an independent, I would believe you. I've read a comic called Pinocchio: Vampire Slayer, I'll believe anything.

Whether or not it's a good story is a different matter. It's.

.. not so great. It's readable, but that's about it. The plot is solid enough, but Jack the Ripper being an orang-utan was completely unnecessary, since it doesn't affect the plot in any way- if he'd just been some random nutjob human, the story would be exactly the same. Which is a problem because there was potential there as both a Moreau subject and as one of the most notorious serial killers in history, but no, he just exists to get his head bashed in and that's it. I've mentioned that the division in the JLA made no sense and came out of nowhere, but superhero teams fall apart over nothing all the time, so that's okay. Nobody's actions make any kind of sense- these people are operating on a logic all their own.

The story does have some genuinely dramatic and slightly disturbing moments- like I said there was a good creative team behind this, and Moreau himself does come off as a genuinely unbalanced and dangerous individual, but that's probably because he's the only character with an actual personality. Out of the JLA, only Deanna has anything approaching a character trait, Ivo is completely useless and has drunkenness as his only characteristic, and Snapper is a bland protagonist to rival Keanu Reeves.

Even looks a little like him.

Basically this comic is stupid in none of the fun ways. Elseworlds tend to take themselves very seriously, I don't think I've ever seen an intentionally ridiculous Elseworlds (although some are a bit more lighthearted than others), and that's usually okay if the story is good, but this story just doesn't lend itself to that kind of tone. Roy Thomas already created a series about superhero animals that was well-liked and well-remembered. I guess he was hoping he could do that again but "Darker And Edgier", to use the TvTropes term, but it just didn't work. This wasn't a doomed concept, but at the same time it wasn't going to be the next Watchmen either. Overall, I think if the execution had been a bit different- with some more overt connections to the DCU, and maybe if they had taken better advantage of the Jack the Ripper idea, this could have been okay, but they didn't and it isn't. If you want a score I'd have to say 2/5, not completely terrible, but nowhere near as good as it could have been.

Furry cosplayers. Only a matter of time.

Favourite Panel

Heh. No real reason for why I like this one so much, I just like it when Americans write that sort of dialogue for British characters.